Alright, in this post, I may offend some people, and I’m okay with that. I’m not trying to be cruel or unfeeling- trust me when I say I hold nothing against anyone of any path of life. However, sometimes I feel like I need to say my peace when it comes to certain things, and this is one of them. So, here we go. 

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Do you all remember back in the day when Britney Spears went effing psycho and got really fat and became a terrible parent and all that. It was before “Womanizer,” I can assure you. Well…

I bet you that big ol’ super-sugared frappuccino had something to do with it. And that is bringing me to my next point that, sure, get angry, but it’s true. 

5. Please be at least sort of realistic with your coffee… and your health… and your weight. 

I do not think there is anything wrong with people who are overweight. I do not thing there is anything wrong with people eating whatever they want to eat. But it’s people that are unhealthy to the point of “could-be-diabetic-and-or-have-heart-disease” that make me really flustered when they demand I make their blended beverage via Half and Half.

Okay, let’s stop for a minute. Sometimes, you just need a coffee. And sometimes, you’re really craving something ridiculous and floofy and extra-frothy. There’s this thing that you can do, it’s called FATFREEMILK, that makes this situation easier. I don’t promote being super conscious about weight because I feel like eating disorders are a direct effect from the devil, but damn it, I feel GUILTY giving the worst of the worst drinks to people who look like it could kill them!

Hell, I feel bad giving some of this stuff to ANYONE… if you want a super-fatty vanilla bean frozen thingamajig, go to your grocery store, buy some GOOD QUALITY ice cream and some ORGANIC MILK and make your OWN DAMN MILKSHAKE. Do you realize what’s in some of the shiz the more commercial coffee shops are selling? Trust me, it’s not helping your thyroid gland, that’s for sure. 

I’m not saying overweight people shouldn’t get coffee or even frappuccinos for that matter. I’m just saying, I feel like I’m helping early death when people push their limits. Be realistic, be conscientious, and be healthy. For the sake of yourself and everyone who loves you. 

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BTW, Britney Spears has been out of the limelight in terms of bad publicity for a while. Bet she gave up the coffee-crack. Just sayin’. 

at work a kid order “three small magic mochas”. While he watched I grabbed the cups, filled them up with the chocolate powder, brought them over to the espresso machine and began pulling shots. He observed as I grabbed the milk from the fridge, poured in in the pitcher and began steaming the milk….

Boy, do I agree… People, please, if you notice you’ve messed up your order and your poor barista is doing more work than necessary, be a kind human and respect that you should stop them and own up to your failure as a customer. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve made a chai tea and then get the “this doesn’t have milk in it” confused face…. Jesus, people, read the signs… Sheesh. 

Okay, I know this has been posted many times in the past couple days, but I feel it’s necessary to post it here, on this blog, for a very educational purpose. Educating you coffee lovers is what I do, correct? Well, in this case, the message is very simple:

DON’T BE BP. 

Oh my goodness, where do I start. We’ll start with this general, standard expectation I have with the whole of humanity: 

If you are TOO DUMB to drink coffee, then DON’T DRINK IT. Crikey, people… This is pretty dang funny though… 

artinmycoffee:

Lion and Rabbit by lupoprimo, Latte Art, Coffee Art

Here’s the deal- this is incredible work. Really, I would not diss a coffee bunny ever. However, the average barista doesn’t have a bloody clue how to swirl foam into a forest creature. SO, it is generally appreciated if you would NOT request this from your friendly neighborhood coffee-crew. Trust me, the fact that we can’t make things like this cause us to hate ourselves enough without your help. I promise. 

…Don’t EVER, EVER DO THIS. The barista was wrong for being hostile to the customer, not explaining the issue, and basically talking down to the guy because he didn’t know coffee 101. Yet, the customer was A HUGE DOUCHE and should not be given any sympathy because at least the barista wanted to preserve coffee integrity. 

So, in general, DON’T. Any of it. Just DON’T. 

PS: It’s owners like this that made me get out of the coffee biz. Criminey. 

Sub-fact: This goes to baristas as much as it goes out to those crazy kids who make their caffeinated addiction at home. 

Know what the hell you’re making. And know how it’s spelled. Good Jiminy. 

(englishfailblog)

I wanted to apologize to all you caffeine-addicts for not having blogged in QUITE sometime. I realize I’ve been slacking on my knowledge giving duties, but it’s been a ridiculously busy end of my semester, and frankly, I’ve been officially out of food service for a couple of weeks and I just didn’t want to think about it. It’s like freedom. It’s like a miracle. It’s like… I should probably stfu and start giving you guys informative blogs again. Right. I’m on it.

 So you guys are informed, I’ve realized that though there is MUCH to complain about when it comes to coffee-holics, I feel like there may not be enough for me to extend for ever, and thus some of my entries may now be related to coffee failure in general. There will always be an after-school special, “treat your barista as you’d want to be treated” sort of message and point, but maybe a little less yapper and a little more point. Ya dig? I knew you would! Anyway, on to it!

4. To assume makes an ass out of… oh well, you get it. 

Do you remember when you were little and you’d tell your mom you wanted a glass of juice, and she’d say “what do you say?” and you’d say please and then get the juice and feel dandy? And did she ever scold you for the “can I?” rather than the “may I?” Well, I hate to tell you this, kids, but that crap still applies. Let’s look at an example, shall we?: 

I’m working behind the bar and a nice-looking girl comes up to the counter with her designer bag and unnecessarily-high-for-coffee-shop-attire shoes, and she addresses me. 

“Hey, yeah, I’m gonna have a Caramel Frap.” And then she walks off to look at seasonal mugs. 

Can you see how that seems rude? “I’m gonna have…” Well, that’s super. You should order one, or make one, or something, since right now all you’ve done is proclaim that you have intentions of a rich blended beverage. Again, folks, we’ve talked about this. I’m a person. Now I know that’s hard to believe because no real human in their right mind would wear a stupid, over-sized green apron, but honestly. Can we get a “please?” Or a “thanks?” Hell, I’d take a “may I?” if that’s all you’ve got. Just, realize that when you make that proclamation, it suddenly seems like I’ve become your butler. And I cannot break out any sort of English accent, so you’re just going to have to learn to be nice or you “aren’t gonna have” jack crap, got it?

Some of the things I rant about are not applicable at all locations. If I talk about a smoothie, than certainly there are certain locations that don’t have smoothies. Or if I talk about a certain quality that is only found on a college campus, or something even more particular to only my college. But most everything that I express here is at least a little valid at all locations- just take the big picture and run with it. 

3. If you’re together, DO IT TOGETHER!

One of my biggest issues at the coffee house are people who don’t understand how to help the barista. In this case, people who don’t think ahead. Lets make a lovely example situation: 

A pair of girls come up to the register. The first one orders a mint-mocha frappuccino, non-fat, with whip. They immediately ignore me and go on with their conversation about he likes whom and they ate what and that one girl drank this and she’s such a ho. Fantastic. I go over and do my job, make the drink, it takes forever because at our location, our blender sucks. A lot. Like, a ton. The thing shakes, starts moving across the counter, and screams for mercy when it hits high drive. It’s just fabulous. But I make the damn drink with her damn whip cream and there. I’m done. I don’t have to worry about it. Her friend comes up and decides she wants a drink. 

Me: “Hey there, what can I get for ya?” 

Her: “Ya, uhh… can I get a… mint-mocha frapp?”

Me: “………. What kind of milk?”

Her: “Uhh….. ya, skim. Kthx.” 

Me: *internal monologue beginning with “FUUUUUUU-“…you get the idea…*

Now, if I were told they wanted THE SAME DRINK ahead of time, I could have easily made them together, saving milk, time, energy, and sanity. But no. Despite the fact that they wanted THE SAME DRINK, now I’m being asked to make two. Just because. Because they’re too lazy to ask together. Or too lazy to decide ahead of time. Or just, in general, too inconsiderate to warn me like a normal person. 

DON’T BE LIKE THOSE PEOPLE. It’s so frustrating. If you want the same drink, hot, cold, whatever, let us know! It makes things so much easier because that way, we can steam the milk at one time, or blend the drinks together, or whatever the issue may be. Really, it’s just considerate to think ahead. Don’t abuse us. 

And so you’re aware, I didn’t blend her ice all the way because I was agitated and she probably had more chunk than blend in that cup. She should be more aware. 

~The Cohort

I’ve been in coffee a long time, it’s true. So why now? Why should I decide to express all this pent up frustration after so long? Frankly, it’s because my time behind the bar is almost over. This past Wednesday, I put in my two weeks notice, and I’ll be saying “so long” to the coffee world before I know it. It’s for this reason that I feel it’s necessary to let all this go. To give it all up and say what needs to be said. This blog isn’t for me- oh, no, I don’t need it. It’s for the people I’m leaving behind. Those poor saps who come in to work and assume they like it- lenient hours, understanding employers, a fun bartender-like position- and then go home and feel like they’ve run a marathon without any endorphins as a consolation prize. It’s not the job that makes you feel like you’ve lost part of your life in that espresso-smelling cohabitation; it’s the people. So I’m here to change that. This is my gift to all those I’m walking away from, and good lord, I hope it helps. Now, on to factoid number dos:
2. Get off the phone!
Imagine you’re in a department store. You were here last weekend, and you’d convinced yourself to walk out empty handed. Well, now you have a hot date and that one shirt you saw last week is the only possible answer to getting up-close and personal. One big problem- you can’t find the damn thing anywhere. So, you march over to the assistant and ask for help. Would you be chatting on the phone with your cousin in Wyoming, the one you see every three weeks when she comes to get her hair done in the city? No, you wouldn’t. Because that would be rude.
Imagine you’re going to the DMV because you just recently moved and have to get your license updated or get a ticket. You’ve waited hours, you’ve met breeds of people you never wanted to come in contact with and, heaven forbid, bonded with them over the incompetency of the Department of Much Vehemence. So when they finally call your number and you scramble up to the clerk like you just won a billion dollars, are you on your phone? No, because that would be rude.
So now, imagine you need a mocha because you dreamt about zombies eating your roommates face last night, and therefore have huge black sacks under your eyes that are starting to pull down your sockets. You walk up to the guy behind the counter, who’s just as tired as you, but smiles because dammit, that’s his job. So when you walk on up to that counter, are you on the phone? Probably. Why? Because for some reason, no one realizes that IT’S FREAKING RUDE.
Come on, guys. Last time I checked, we’re people. Not robots. Not androids. People. With voice boxes and everything. So you know what we like doing when you come up to us? We like to talk. Can you believe it? There’s nothing more uncomfortable than someone walking up and ordering their beverage as they cover the receiver and act like WE’RE the bother. Last time I checked, you’re the one ordering the frippin’ drink. Sure, if you want to talk on the phone at the ATM, it’s really not an issue. That’s because ATM’s don’t have feelings. Unfortunately, we do, and it’d be real nice if you could notice that.
There aren’t many of us working at a time, if even more than one, depending on your location and time of shift. When people come up and get a drink, it’s that rare splendid moment when you have human interaction. If you come up on a phone, blabbing to Andrea about how “he did that” and “she said what!” and “you’ll never believe what happened,” we have to be silent and respectful of a conversation we know NOTHING ABOUT.
I realize, in some situations, you need to be on the phone. But can’t you just wait five minutes and finish your convo before you come up to the register? Believe it or not, we care about you as our customer. All we can ask is to be cared about in return.~The Cohort